30 Things: Part 16

It's odd to think of my greatest accomplishments. I don't think of them much and I have trouble thinking of what they could be. All I can think about what I failed at. I haven't had the hardest life out there by far but it hasn't been an easy one either. 


Maybe this is also hard cause today I feel a deep sadness. Last night a family member tried to commit suicide. He was rushed to the hospital and he made it through the night. We keep praying for him. So far he has survived and don't know what this means for his future health. I hope that in this horrible moment gives him strength to never try again. As a teenager the world can look so bleak. I know as a younger person that had to deal with the same idea that death is a viable answer.


My mom last night made me cry. Not like I wasn't already crying. She hugged onto me and thanked me for still being alive. I just started crying that instant. I could only imagine how she felt when she found out about me. Of all the times I started cutting and couldn't bring myself to cutting all the way down. Just working up the nerve to just do it. Then having to cover it up while I heal. 


I still remember the day of my birthday when I didn't think I could go on any longer. I poured all my pills into baggies on which order I thought I should take them in so I could get the most in me before I passed. I had a lot of pills since most of them got refilled. I remember how I felt getting dressed up to go out. I was going to my favorite night spot, a gothic industrial bar called Eclipse for Sunday School. For one that has an anxiety disorder, I feel at home and comfortable there. The plan was to celebrate the last night of my life with my friends then head to riverside park and  take my life while watching the water. The only thing it didn't happen that way. I was heading out when my husband came home. He cried and told me how much he loved me and how he couldn't live without me. I don't know if he had a clue but we were going through a lot of problems but that just added to the reasons that I didn't want to live anymore and it wasn't THE reason I didn't want to live. But I also didn't believe in divorice. That night while I went out and my husband stayed home with the girl he left me for. Well that is not the whole truth. He did leave me. He did leave me for her. But I gave the ultimatum. I knew it was a 95% chance that he was choosing her. I just didn't want to be in a relationship where I and my mate were not the priority to each other. I was also not going to be the girl that sat around and allowed themselves to be treated like that.


That night my friends turned my mind around. I was use to my birthdays not being a big deal. They are usually disappointing that not really anyone ever cares about celebrating my life other than my parents and brothers. I threw parties for my husband and celebrations where people showed up. He usually just got me something and that was it. But it wasn't just after I was married. My birthdays were just usually a fizzle. Even my 21st. I had one person that I DRAGGED out to celebrate. But that night I had people for the first time show up for my birthday and celebrated with me. I was so touched. My one friend made me a bunny purse. I was so deeply touched someone took the effort to make me something. It was the first present I have gotten from a nonfamily member in ages and they took such effort on me. I don't use the purse a lot but I cherish it a lot. It had a carrot charm attached to it. I keep the carrot on my keychain for me to remind me of this night. Also my friend Sybil took care of me and made sure I went home which was not in the plans. This girl always brights up my day when I get to see her. She always thinks so positively of me and it is kinda contagious. She thinks such good things of me too. How can I not see myself this way. So thanks to my friends I survived my birthday. I wasn't happy about it for a while but I told my family and some friends of my plans and by the end of the week I put myself into the hospital. The hospital was good for me. But I left early. I just was getting myself sick there but I was putting myself into their outpatient day program that I spent the rest of the month going to every weekday as a great torture. 


I also figured out my marriage was over the day I came out of the hospital. My husband said that he and this girl weren't ready for me to come home. Also while I was in the hospital he took this girl to my parents house and fawned on her while he was there. I knew my marriage I was working on was lost. He didn't want to work on it. He just wanted everything that he wanted. but this blog is not about this. So I don't want to talk about it any further. That is my past best ignored.


I can't say that I pulled through and my life is amazing. Maybe one day. Right now I am still working hard getting past the past and getting myself where I am able to get to the next part in my life. Though the part holding it up is this stupid knee surgery. I have to have this knee surgery so I can get on with everyday life so I can go to work and support myself. Until then I am at this stall pattern. I need to get out of the house to have some fun and connect with some friends. I am turning into a hermit and that is not good for me.


Last night was horrible hearing that news just broke my heart and brought back some awful memories. So ok, I need to move on and not dwell. and keep praying.




So moving on, let's do my next part of my list from a previous blog

 What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?


1. Graduated and survived high school
I know not amazing but it was torture. I was not popular. I was a freak and harassed all the time. I had to watch my feet from being stomped on, avoid being hit with a chair on a regular basis, to keep from being stuffed in a trash can (which never did happen no matter how much somebody tried), racial harassment (the couple of black girls thought it was hysterical to pick on me and the day I stood up for myself landed me a week of in school detention while they got off scottfree). So for me this is an accomplishment.


2. Overcome my speech problems
No one thought I would ever speak. Well I proved them wrong plus overcompensated for my nonspeech days. I went to special schools till 2nd grade then special programs till 6th grade. I then had a choice in my move to pittsburgh to get out of it. I figured a new school and a new start and no one had to know that I had to take special classes and I could try to improve my speech on my own. Well I did but I went from a school where I had friends to a place where I was deemed a freak till graduation.  Yep lovely move there.


3. Learn to stand up for myself.

ok, this is all I can come up with but I do hope in the future that there is more I can say that I accomplished. Cause right now this is sad and pathetic. 


I need to shower and take some of my framed artwork and well clean it up and put on professional backing so I can maybe have some sold this weekend and have a little money to get by again since I am almost out. The last photo shoot I had lasted me awhile and got me necessities. Now I need to get some more. So crossing my fingers.

30 Things: part 15

Hopefully tonight I will be sleeping better. I took a muscle relaxer and had a single rum and OJ. Hopefully I will sleep more than 3.5 hours straight with a few times sleeping up to a half hour after that. Cause that is what I did last night. Reason is that I think I have a fractured rib. But I am not going to find out for real cause without insurance or a job, I am not putting myself in debt for something I can do at home. I got kneeded in the ribs real hard this past week. It hurt real bad after it first happened then got a little better and then went back to how it was before. But it hasn't got worse than it was in the beginning. Glad I did some research because mom wanted me to wrap my ribs and found out that was bad. So now I am just trying to take it easy and not bend over or move fast or take a quick deep breath or laugh. I tried to nap today but when I lay down in bed it is the worse of the pain that last more than a 20 seconds. 


Last night I went out with my mom and her coworkers for a girls night. I got overstuffed at Longhorn cause I am not use to that much food but it was so so good. Then we went to the movies to see Magic Mike. It was fun, funny and cute. Thin on plot but we wanted eye candy. Joe from True Blood was what I liked about the movie but you see so much more of him on True Blood. Though I will keep calling him Alcede cause that fits so much better than Joe. lol. But last night was good. I needed some good laughs though it hurts to laugh. Glad to see mom go out for herself without it revolve around scrapbooking.


So onward for 30 Things.


This list of Qs started with this post. This is the halfway point.




If you were an animal, what would you be and why?


I think I am most like a bunny. I really connect to the spirit of the animal. I am hyper than calm and curious nature. I do have a bunny hello kitty basket on my dresser and inside it has real bunny fur cuff bracelets I made and a bunny tail I made from a bunny fur (don't yell at me it is food grade bunny fur. I only will use fur that is vintage or was used for food.). I do have another pelt in my leather drawer but not sure how I am going to use it. I do have two sets of ears. No, I am not a furry. I just like playing around. or just wearing the cuffs with an outfit. It calms me to pet them. So soft and cuddly. I pet it and pet it and I will call him George.


Though I think the more interesting question would be Lynthocarp or shapeshifter and if lynthocarp then what animal would it be?


Then I would definately want to be lynthocarp cause a shapeshifter doesn't have that full connection to the animal. And I wouldn't turn into a bunny. I would probably be a coyote. A pretty red one.

Friday the 13th

Today, I was standing in the kitchen talking to my mom and she looks at her calender. She turned to me and told me that she was sorry that she forgot that yesterday was my anniversary. It gave me a chuckle because I completely didn't realize that it was.

How do I forget fully happy that today was Friday the 13th. I was married on the 12th.
Though I frankly did not care. I do not want to dwell nor do I care too. I use to dwell on these things. Every heartache I would beat myself up over. Now, I just care about what is going on next. Not next relationship or what not but what I want to do next.

I always believed marriage was forever. You work on the relationship and you don't give up. I tried. But you cannot make someone want to work on things. He really didn't care. He wanted everything and didn't care who he hurt. I am glad he gave up because I would never have otherwise and frankly he was a bad person. I was fooled for so long. I let him drag me down to his level. His control was livable (I use to think that). But I did not deserve that.

About 2 weeks ago, I went out with some friends to a meeting. I know my ex belonged but he never went because of work. Forgot that someone informed me he was fired and could have a different schedule. As I walked up to the building, he was standing outside. He saw me and swore loudly. I just had my friend chill for a second while he stormed inside. She didn't know who he was. After I gave him a minute, I went in. I was shaky for a few minutes just shocked seeing him after many months. I talked to him a couple months ago  where he tried to fight with me because he wanted my social security number cause he wanted to file as married. I just told him I wasn't comfortable giving it to him. He cursed me then to. I still had an enjoyable time. My shakes went away fast. I socialized and moved about the place while he sat in the corner looking grumpy.

The next day after I saw them I was proud to tell my parents that I saw him and I didn't really feel anything. That was not the old me. I would have been depressed or sad or hurt and ashamed. I was shocked that I could feel nothing. Today made me feel great cause the bad feelings weren't there. I was indifferent. Actually, I was proud of myself.

I had another ex try to get to me the other week. I dated a guy after my marriage fell apart. He was young and immature. It was a new experience. When I was young I dated someone that was 6 months younger than me but other than that I dated my age or older. Ok, mostly older and they were usually nerdy and geeky (just the way I have always liked them). Well, I knew this relationship wasn't going to go anywhere. We really dated cause he didn't want me seeing anyone but him (funny he didn't think he should stop seeing other people). When I went out of town for 5 days for my brothers wedding, he couldn't wait 24 hours before sleeping or trying to sleep with a ton of girls. A few of these girls were suppose to be my friend. We broke up after I came back. We still hung out on and off. The other week he texted me. I usually text him for awhile till it is clear he wants to sleep with me. This last time he texted that he wanted to see me. I just texted back that I would not engage in sex. He immediately stopped communications. Knowing him he will try again in a month. Though my answer will never change.

I use to date nice guys. Ever since I moved to Florida, that stopped happening. Not deliberately on my part. Just kinda happened. That needs  to change. It use to be that when I stopped dating someone, it wasn't a bad thing, it just wasn't meant to be. I was friends with most of my exes for a long time after we dated. I still talk to my first serious boyfriend (and his wife!) when I get a chance. He use to visit me in Florida for years every year even though we broke up long time before that.

well I haven't much else to say. I just need to make better decisions on people. I need to stop believing everyone has good in them. Some people are just rotten to the core. I just always felt optimistic on people no matter what people show me.

Well I haven't read much today and not at all yesterday. I think I am feeling ill on lack of pages. Though I am going to read for a few minutes before turning to bed. I just added 15 books to my desk between my neighbor and the library. Plus I am half way through one.

Hope everyone had a happy Friday the 13th. I love Friday the 13th. Every time it happens I have to remember my favorite one which was Friday October 13, 2000. I was in college. I spent most of the day in the "smart" dorm. It is a happy memory. A simple one. but happy.

Good night out there.

30 Things: Part 13 and 14

This is a self reflection that started a while ago that started with this post. I have been slowly plugging away at it. 




 Describe 5 weaknesses you have.


1. Anxiety- I use to not be able to walk across the college campus without starting a panic attack but if I had the service dog that I was training with me then I would do well. I still don't like to venture out in public on my own. Though some people are better than others. I use to take the bus occasionally for steampunk society meetings though I would be in panic mode by the time I get off the bus and walk to the museum that I spend most of my time trying to calm myself. 


2. Shy-  I don't think people realize how shy I am.  If I am around a bunch of people I know and trust the more talkative I am. It is so bad that I don't go to art walks to sell plus I don't handle heat well at all.  When I have somewhere to talk to the people for me then I can sell a bunch. but if left to just me then I do horrendous.


3. Too giving- This one I have been working hard this year to break. I help people too much that it goes into hurting me. I will sacrifice myself to others and in the end I get a lot of people that use me. 


4. Creativity- It is a plus and a minus. I can live inside my head too much in these worlds that I create but cannot share. It makes it easy for the anxiety and shyness to keep me from living sometimes.


5. Sensitive- My heart breaks so easily.






Describe 5 strengths you have.


1. Artistic and Creative- well you have seen my other blogs or my photography or what not. 


2. Resilient- I guess I am to make it this far after everything I have been through.


3. Intelligent- Though not a ton of people would know. I usually keep that hidden from a lot of people. Though now putting that on a blog helps with hiding that. My friend Jenna would throw me under the bus on that. People let things go and let more out when you are not as much on the radar. So I wouldn't let people see that I am smart but Jenna would tell people I was. When I lived with her it was nice cause they would make me interact and call me out. It also was a bad thing as well. I would drink too much so I could cope with having to deal with the people. People watching is a hobby. Sometimes I just don't always get people.


4. Fast reader- That is like my super power. Why last month I beat my record of how many book I read in one day (4). I devour books. But everyone knows that. I have fun with my mother with it. We end up teasing each other about it. I am not the only one that speed reads in my family. My older brother and my dad read books fast. 


5. I give up on the last one. I just stare and stare at the screen and come up empty. So if you know me and have one for me then let me know cause right now I am at a loss.

30 Things: part 12

Been working on this list for awhile now. Here is another installment




 Describe a typical day in your current life.


Well for a typical day for Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Tuesday:


9:30-10:30 Wake up. I try not to sleep past 10. I usually don't get up any earlier cause I am so not a morning person. 


?-11 I usually hide out in my bedroom. I check my facebook and pinterest as I wake up. Sometimes I read if I happen to be too excited about a book. Usually the only things talking are the two parrots and Keith is zombied to the TV or a game.


11-12:30 This is special time everyday that is set aside for my brother Keith. Right at 11, Keith will put on The View. I used to tease him that I needed to take away his man card. I use to also thought of this as torture but I don't think it is too bad of a show like I use to. Also at 11 is when he makes lunch. I sometimes eat with him or I just sit and talk with him. After he eats, I wash the dishes that have amassed since after dinner the night before. I recently got him into drying the dishes for me. If it is a Saturday or Monday we will also wash the parrots bowls and give them new food and water.  Sometimes I do some extra things that need to be done so everything is done before dad wakes up at some point in the afternoon (he works 3rd trick and luckily he has just about under 2 years till retirement). At 12, we have to watch Who wants to be a millionaire we we shout answers at the tv. You know real exciting life. If it Saturday, I just eat with him sometimes and then read while he watches cartoons after dishes. Its real nice cause it is just the 2 of us and he loves that he has this time with his sister. Before I came home he would spend half the day with just him and the dogs and dad couldn't sleep as long as he should.


12:30pm I occasionally catch a show on ondemand that I miss if Keith hasn't showered earlier and he does it after his shows which isn't usually the case. I am tired of being downstairs at this point. So I go shower, read, computer, work in the art room if I am working on a project, or work on the computer on one of my projects. I occasionally go downstairs to take care of the dogs. 

4pm On Fridays we usually head off to the library to drop off and pick up books. The librarians know me on site and just get my books then head off to the Gate so Keith can get a frozen coke while I stock up on my weekly porkrinds since they only sell the good ones there which are the only ones I eat now. Then we head to Moe's where we usually meet up with my mom who is getting back in the area after work for family dinner. I love Fridays.

5pm Dog time for dinner. Usually feed dogs and get ready for dinner ourselves.


6 After dishes we usually get some stuff done and I sometimes go upstairs or we all curl up on the couch and chill.


8 Dad usually heads to bed to sleep for an hour before work. Some days we watch some shows we like in which mom usually passes out. Sometimes I read on the couch


10 Dad heads out to work and everyone goes to bed except me. I go to my room where I check online but I usually read till 1 or 2 then I go curl up in bed. I don't read past this cause then there is no way I can wake up at a decent time.


Sundays and Monday
Mom is off those days while dad is off Saturday and Sunday. So it is whatever the family is up to. Usually the weekend dad does something with a car cruise.


Wednesday
Mom works to close that day and garbage pick up is the next day so we do majority of our cleaning on Wednesday. Mornings we change the bird cages, vacuum, dust, feed birds, clean the hamster and lizard cages and do the dishes and sanitize the kitchen. I also redye the hot pink stripe in my moms hair every other week and about do a full redye every 6 weeks.  then the rest of the day is about the same. Except mom doesn't get home till later and she curls up on the sofa and I rub her head. (I get stuck with back rubs, head rubs and back scratches since I do it the best... dang it).


I do miss Tuesday nights. I started about 16 months ago a coffee night with an internet group of mine. That eventually turned into a Tijuana flats 5.99 taco night then coffee then karaoke at Eclipse night club and sometimes back to somewhere to eat after. I don't do Karaoke but I love Eclipse on Tuesdays. I love the diversity of the people and the music and everyone is so friendly plus my friend Reese runs karaoke night. 


I also miss Sunday nights. I would occasionally go to Sunday School at Eclipse. Eclipse is a goth/industrial bar. I have seen great shows like Assemblage 23 and Voltaire but it is just a great place to be. Great music and I actually feel like I could dance without being freaked out (before my knee injury) and I loved hanging outside with everyone. I knew all the regulars. One of the few places I can go and rarely have a panic attack. I really can't think of anywhere else in town that I can do that. To me, it feels like home. The owner is a real nice guy. The bartenders are always cool to me and they make sure they don't hand me anything that contains sugar without telling me. I can't remember going there and not knowing someone. Plus they don't give us any hassle when we goof off. If I left Jacksonville that would be one of the few places that I would truly miss.


I know it is not an exciting life right now but it is a life but that will change once I can get my knee surgery and can heal so I can go look for a job. At 32 I didn't expect to be crippled, getting a divorce, waiting on surgery and jobless. but I have a great family that is helping me get back on my feet and are here for me. So what more can I ask. I hate the waiting but hopefully soon I will be busting my hump to a normal-like life. 


I am getting to the point of hitting 400 views. I wonder if I have repeat viewers or what it is from. I know I get a lot of views from my art projects. but my last blog about god has already has 30 views in a past couple days. which I thought was real interesting. Also I had a nice photoshoot which made me a little money which I thank god for answering my prayers for some type of work so I have a little money for some necessities to help me get by. So if you are interested in some photos being taken I do all kinds of work from family, party, kids, pretty to boudoir shots. Also you have to be in Jacksonville or northern St Johns County.


I guess I will put my nose back in my 77th book since April. I need a need a new goal since I should be hitting my 100 book goal for the year within the next 30 days.

Not every relationship is perfect.

I usually don't say a lot of things about God. I usually just leave my feelings between Him and me cause every relationship is personal and different. There are a few things that I do say to people that contain to my beliefs and I think what people are sometimes quick to forget being that God wants us to LOVE EVERYONE and we are not the ones to judge because it is up to God to judge.

Yesterday I was thinking. I left God for 10 years. Maybe there was a reason for my struggle. Frankly, sometimes you don't appreciate it unless you know how it is to go on without it. Over 10 years ago, I had struggles with people in the church and out of the church along with I found out I had Neurofibromatosis Type II and I was starting to figure out that I was Manic Depressive (which bless the guys that I dated early on that dealt with me before I learned to control what I go through. I have always am thankful for the ones that could love me so much through the hardest of times) and I also struggled with the idea that I was bisexual. On top of everything I never had it easy. I grew up speech and language impaired to the point that they didn't ever expect me to speak (when I know someone well I talk way too much). I didn't go to a regular school till 2nd grade and even then I had speech classes. I have what doctors say that it looks like someone dropped me on the head as a child (never was though) so my neck is compressed and was weak growing up so I bobbed my head when I ran and stuff. I had headaches growing up from whatever that the school nurse treated me like a hypochondriac. I was also molested by my grandfather. I was diagnosed ADHD and looking back I can see when I started having anxiety issues that lead to a full blown anxiety disorder. Things kept getting piled on.

From being piled with troubles, it led me to start resenting God. They always say God doesn't give you more than what you can handle. Well, to me it was more than I could handle. I wondered how could God hate me so much and how could he keep doing this to me. All my family is very faithful. In the end, my faith was nowhere near theirs. I stopped going to church when I went to college, it was convenient. The church I had wasn't the same anymore. It was no longer about fellowship, it became the feeling of being another place where I didn't fit. I went till I left for college but it felt bitter. I still don't go to church but because I don't need a church to have faith. It is a place for fellowship if you need it, to gather with like minds. Maybe one day I will go but I don't have the heart to go through that right now. What it led me to was me saying that I didn't believe God existed. That people need faith so that is why we believe in God. Well, that may still be the truth but that doesn't mean that there is not God.

If I didn't have it hard then how could I really appreciate the good? Maybe there is a plan behind this. One day, I will ask him. but until then I need to have faith. I always try to think people better than they are and I have a kind heart cause I try to help everyone even when it means sacrificing parts of myself. I have been trying to not let that happen because people that are users find a way into my life and fill me with sorrow. My soon to be ex-husband being the worst.

Now I don't have many friends anymore in Florida and no one I think of as a close friend. Makes me miss some of my friends in PA right now cause some of them are kickass and I was so lucky to have them in my life. I am starting to think that is why I started a blog. Someone to confide in. Just writing about stupid everyday stuff makes me dwell on stuff that I wouldn't normally and good comes from that.

So thank you God for the good and the bad, for making me have a stronger faith in you, I will be hear trying hard to keep the faith that you will eventually help me come into better things and make better decisions and I will keep the lines of communication open.

30 Things: Part 11

I don't think I imagined still doing the the 30 things list all the to the end of June and not even be half way through. I haven't wrote much though with my obsessive reading. I have been averaging about 24 books a month since April (66 total). I walk into the library and they no longer ask for my card. They just walk over and grab my books. My dad just shakes his head when I come with a publix green bag loaded with books on a weekly basis.




Describe 10 pet peeves you have.


1. This is for my little brother. When he constantly informs me how to do things 24/7 that I do everyday, every week and blah blah blah. He is OCD and he can't help it but it still drives me insane.


2. People who have to ask if I care about my camera or computer, or art more than them. Probably yes, because they have been in my life longer. Ok, not really. But I have a habit of using them for interactions and relating to people. I do have problems going in public alone and viewing it through my camera makes it a lot less stressful. I don't think it is that actually. It's the fact that people who know how I function just can't seem to understand that. I have been certain ways most of my life and I have ways to cope with it. I am just not going to jump 10 feet ahead with a miraculous progress. I know me. I get better at a slow pace but then I have setbacks. At 32, I think I understand myself pretty well.


3. People that say that my medical conditions don't exist that it is in my head. I know this one guy and he pisses me off enough that he makes a pet peeve of his very own. But it is only cause he has either told me or told the person I am sitting next to a million times. I want karma to take care of him or maybe I will just punch him. Thankfully, I don't see him around anymore. Hopefully it stays that way. To him as a psychotic, burnt out professional and liar....Bipolar is not real and we make it up when we just need someone to slap us on the back of our head and give us a wake up call. I am not a violent person but sometimes I am glad I have been drinking in front of him so I haven't beat the crap out of him. 
This also goes along that for people that demean you for having health/mental problems. Cause I know I certainly didn't ask to be bipolar with severe anxiety issues.


4. People who cram their religious beliefs down my throat and/or bother me about what I do and how it should effect my beliefs. I am christian..... and that should be good enough. Am I not christian enough for you? I don't like to talk about religion because I hate religious debates just like I hate political debates. I avoid it like the plague. But it is not your christianly duty to harass me. I walked away once from my religion for a very long time. The reason was other christians made me hate christianity. It took me over 10 years to return to it. I don't need to hear that things I do is "letting satan into my soul" (ok, I need help letting that one go). I am doing something completely innocent but I could be doing something a lot worse. Probably why I don't go to church. I don't need a building to bring me closer to God. You go to church for fellowship. I just feel I need to pretend to be close to everyone. I rather talk to God from here. I think God wanted us to love everyone because it is his job to judge not us.


5. People that tell me that my lifestyle diet is not the healthiest. I know a carb free diet is not the healthiest way to live longterm for most people. But when does everyone feel that they feel they have earned a medical degree that they know everything. This was not something I came up with. This was what my Specialist Doctor helped me strive for till I hit a certain point where I am to change it slightly. I have medical issues that my body doesn't react like the average person reacts so therefore I have to do some things different. Or people that try to get me to cheat. I do cheat. I cheat more than I should sometimes. I just have to watch how I cheat, if I am planning to cheat. Cause honestly I cheated at my grandmothers so I wasn't a hassle and my stomach is still not back to normal and its been almost 2 weeks. So I have spent the last two weeks eating bland foods in very small portions to when I get to evening and my stomach feels ok enough to eat something somewhat normal and then I go through the cycle again the next day.


6. People that initiate conversations while I am reading. The only person that can do that is my mom. Otherwise it annoys me. Like when I would have a job. I loved to sit with my food and book on break so I can avoid the world. but that was always when people insisted in talking.


7. Groups that are in petty little arguments that use it to split an organization especially when the pettiness has nothing to do with why the group is together. 


8. Duckface.


9. People that makes their drama, your drama. That is why I let those people go away.


10. Injuries that take up years of your life making you useless.

Steampunk and Koi leather carving

A long while ago, I started working with leather. And from hanging at the shops, I saw some amazing leather carving. I had to learn to do it. I took a basic class then took a sculptural carving class. Soon I thought why not do something from one of my favorite photos.

This is Meghan in her steampunk gear. took me a while to carve. too bad pictures don't do the carvings justice. If you look through the Steampunk book photos then you would have already seen the original picture.

I don't know why I ended up with 2 koi pieces. I think it was shortly after a zoo visit and I like chilling at the Koi ponds which are at the far end so it is just a beautiful place with japanese gardens and lots of koi.

__________________________

Tonight was fun with Keith. He has been obsessively playing the new Pokemon nintendo game. Finally he is putting stuff away and he goes "I am giving the game a rest tonight". So as a good sister to throw him off, I respond "a breast?". Oh the look of horror while the mom and I (and the bird Ruby) laugh. Then minutes later he is upstairs screaming like a girl about a cockroach in the hall. So I go over to kill it and he is throwing the most ridiculous things at me to kill it. le sigh. 

Well, look at what he gets for calling me a "butt-faced monkey" for 2 days. lol

The Tail of Harry Potter and Voldemort & Keith's birthday

So Happy Birthday SquirrelHumper!

So we had a nice afternoon of opening gifts of siblings (he got mom and dad present the night before and the other were new releases from gamestop that he picked up the next day). Shawn got him the first two seasons of Glee since he started watching this year with me. I have seen the 1st season but not much of the second. but I am happy to see him getting into it. I made us a best of glee cd mix for the trip to grandmas and he was so cute singing along. He loved his composition book from me that I showed in an earlier post. He says he needs to find a special use for it.

We did our family tradition of taking Keith to Dave and Busters. He looks forward to it every year.

Keith and I spend a lot of our time being competitive. Dissappointed that skee ball was out of order. Though they have new games. We loved the giant Connect 4 and 4 way air hockey where the girls dominated.

Though I am not wearing that bra with that tank top around my mom again. She kept trying to pull the neckline up and telling me that I am going to scare the children. lol

So this is our pal Harry Potter. He is a dwarf hamster and use to live with Lord Voldemort. But if you seen the movies or read the books... you know that (spoiler alert) Harry lives. 

One day my mom comes home with this cage. My dad asks if she brought home yet another animal. She says no...she has two. Yep, she has hit the point she no longer asks to bring in animals home. Someone left a litter of hamsters at the door of her work. Various coworkers adopted them.

Usually Lord Voldemort play attacks Harry where he usually makes quite a loud fit. For a while before they left Lord Voldemort has been getting weaker or Harry getting stronger.

So now the Tale er Tail. I was house sitting in February. The family went to see Kelly Clarkson at Mardi Gra and to see Harry Potter world (we made a book of it that is in an earlier posting). On the last night before they returned, I watched the last Harry Potter. It's never been watched in front of the hamsters before this. Both hamsters were alive at this point. I was giving them attention after the movie. I heard them playing later that night while I was in bed. The next day Lord Voldemort was no more. 

My theory is that they saw the movie and Harry learned that he was to win while Volde learned that he loses and dies in the end. Lord Voldemort decided in the wee hours of the morning to let his fate take his course and pass on.

So now Harry lives a life with no more fighting. He is such a friendly little guy.

This is what I like to believe what happened.

Time Away

 Last week we (my brother, mother and I) went to my grandmother's. It was the week of her anniversary and also her birthday and the week of my brothers birthday as well. We went last year as well. This year we were heading there and the next day my aunt and uncle were flying in. I was excited. Normally, we don't see Sandy and Jesse for years at a time. I think we saw them in the fall for my older brothers wedding so this was a treat. Plus with the hubbub of a wedding reception, we didn't get to enjoy everyone's company as much as we wanted.

So our first night we went to the mexican restaurant and later celebrated Keith's birthday.

Though the next day we went out for grandma's birthday and I got to take some family pictures.

This needs to be moms new FB picture. She recently had me start dying her hair pink. I was giddy to do it (after the years my mom rolled her eyes at me for dying my hair all kinds of colors). I also got her to do a new shade of blonde too. It started as my mom joking around at work that they should. One of her coworkers has breast cancer. So some dyed their hair and I made hair clips for the rest who didn't want to dye their hair. It is one of the things they do to support her. So far the coworker has had her breasts removed and lost all her hair. One of her coworkers shaved her head along with their friend.  Mom has been making a something for her and also making a little book for her. Her place at work is amazing in their corner of the store. All of them so different but still nice to see what people will do for eachother.

More pictures. My brother and me and one with mom. Keith for years would only wear jean shorts and tshirts. He decides on one thing he likes and becomes stuck on that is the only way to do things. Well JCPenny and there stupid restructure of the store has done away with his stuck in the mud only shorts he will only wear. Mom can't get him to change his mind most of the time. So the second time they went shopping before the trip would have produced nothing if I didn't get my way to get Keith to change. I started a week before suggesting how we might have to try new things. We talked a lot. Then when we went shopping we found a tshirt by looking at what he likes. Then I was suggesting cargos. I named people he admired who wear them. Finally, he caved. We even found army cargos and that was just an easy leap cause they are just like my older brothers. They are now his favorite pair. Now tops were a lot harder. but he loves the guys of the band The Embraced that I use to do work with. He has a framed band set list with signed cd booklet that I did for him. He even got to meet one of them at a rollerderby match, of course Kevin was so nice to him and he really liked meeting him. So I told him that the guys wear shirts like that and normally if something buttoned he would button it to the top. I showed him pictures of the guys of them wearing those shirts so now he thinks its cool.  Since then he hasn't even thought of wearing jean shorts. yay success!

Mom, grandma and Sandy. Half of us wore orange and the other half wore blue. It was not planned. lol.

Celebrating after dinner.

Oh and this awesome 7.5 carat amethyst necklace that all the families contributed in to get her this year. It is so pretty.

So oddly that day I was reading Matched by Ally Condie. My grandmother turned 80 which in the book the elderly died on their 80th birthday. I couldn't think of loosing grandma that day. She is still full of spunk.

SquirrelHumper

Squirrelhumper is a loving insult I share with my younger brother. As of him being 28, I am not allowed to say little brother for a couple years now. My little, ahem I mean younger brother insult each other without being rude for fun and this has become our favorite over the years and usually gets us giggling. Better yet, I have been attacked by squirrels twice. I got a scratch 3 cm under my eye one of the times. So I have a little fear of them. I know, people usually laugh when I admit to that. They are vicious creatures. Keith and I give each other squirrel presents. I made him a pink pillow with a squirrel appliqued on it and a martha stewart dog toy, tshirts, pads of paper..... he gives me squirrel calenders and such

So this happened last month. I just finally uploaded pictures yesterday.

So Keith makes his daily trip to the mailbox. but he doesn't get very far. He dashes back in the house and he is freaking out. I finally get a little bit of what he is saying. So I go to check it out. 

This is what I see. A hawk pecking at a squirrel next to our house under our tree. The birds are making a horrible racket and black crows are dive bombing out of the tree and hitting the hawk and screeching. I am amazed by this sight and I run back in to get the camera. I creep to get as close as I can as Keith is so nervous for me. I have never been this close to a wild hawk.

After awhile he gets tired so he retires to the fence and starts making a racket.

There is our squirrel. One down and many to go.

So all of the sudden a second hawk appears. They sit guard over the treasure for quite a long while so we finally tire of waiting for action and go inside. Eventually they disappear with their meal.

The next day my dad goes to the mailbox and we have a hawk keeping an eye out.

So this is our adopted girl Jenny. She is old but so funny. This is where she likes to run to as soon as you move from our favorite spot on the sofa. I had the camera out cause of the hawks and realize we never took pretty pictures of our girl here.

So here she is.

And Shelby sits on the other side of me with his what do you want from me face.

30 Things: Part 10

This starts in this post if you want to read from the beginning 


Describe your most embarrassing moment.






I can't really think of one. Which to me is real funny. I get embarrassed for people on tv, that I am around and all that. It is one of the emotions that trigger real easy like crying. If I hear or see people cry then I start. I have a strong sense of empathy. I don't know why but it depends how bad it is compared to the state I am with my bipolar.


I always get embarrassed over things that deal with me medically that I cannot control. Like if I suddenly have to pee real bad. And I have to explain to someone that it means we have to find somewhere like right now. I have that problem since my early 20s. Oh and my first doctor for it was this old man which is now retired. I have never been to a gynecologist at the time either (I was 21). So I have never had to strip and sit with legs apart. So I was mortified. Plus the tools look scary. So we end up leaving after my appointment and I feel icky and still a little gooey. So mom and I go to Joann's to look at fabric. I am standing in line when this little boy comes running and wraps himself around my leg until his mom comes running over and apologizing. This didn't bother me. Though leaving the store my mom is laughing hysterical saying that is the most action I have seen in a long while.


I am dreading a medication I need to be back on for insulin resistance which I am not since I am jobless and without insurance. I know I feel like I am playing Russian Roulette with my health. And for a few months I am back on it, I can't control a side effect that happens which is really the most mortifying thing that ever happens. I had an incident in Sam's Club one time because of it while with my father in law. I  won't even go into it cause just thinking about it makes me cringe.


I have this lack of embarrassing moments due to my little brother. He just has tried anything to embarrass us. After a while it tends to not bother you anymore. I have a tendency to talk about anything. After a while it doesn't really happen much anymore. And as I said the only things that bother me are medical instances.


Though one way to make me embarrassed and I won't even remember the incident is from one talent I seem to have. I have the inability to throw up. I haven't since the 8th grade. I have tried to. Cause nothing is worse than being really, really sick and your body wants to purge but you can't. I can stick my finger down my throat and all that happens is gagging and saliva. So where it can get embarrassing for me is drinking. I have to be careful not to overdrink. Cause most people will throw up as their bodies way of getting excess "poison" out of their system. I don't. I can drink to the point I black out. I do outrageous things that I wouldn't normally do. I won't ever remember. Though people will tell me and I think people telling me that I can't remember is the embarrassing point and not the act itself. I can count on my hands how many times this has happened. Now I have to be super careful cause it won't take much. When you don't eat carbs or starches or sugar then it doesn't take much to get drunk. 


So yeah. I am overly empathetic, I black out and medical issues embarrass me. 

30 Things: Part 9

Last night I hit a halfway point on my goal. I started in April that I will read 100 books this year. I am starting to think I aimed too low. I am reading along with Vaginal Fantasy book group on goodreads.com and I am doing two challenge groups that read 10 books each a month. If you want to follow me on goodreads, I am on as Gogo Asher.  The librarians don't even ask for my card anymore, they head straight to the shelf and grab about 10 books that I reserve at a time.

I am slacking off at the moment. I need to be packing and stuff for the trip to my grandmothers this week. We are heading out tomorrow morning and my aunt & uncle arrive at the airport monday. We are celebrating grandma's birthday. We normally don't see aunt sandy often so it is odd to get to see her again even though we were together in October. I already gathered all of Keith's clothes, fed the parrots, did dishes, start laundry and the like.

I have a new project to post when I get back into town Wednesday. I might even prewrite it and schedule it to go up. I can't post a present I made before I give it. Well except Keith's cause he doesn't do social media.

So here is the next part in the 30 things posts starting with this blog

List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.


1. My mother- maybe she has influenced me too much. I am stubborn, rebellious, sarcastic, creative, loving. I think she might have regretted the rebellious part for numerous years though. She always has something to do for someone else even if it takes too long to finish it. She is willing to dye her hair pink for a friend that has cancer. She has tremendous patience like the way she does with my brother no matter how frustrating he is being or making sure dad heard everything he needs to hear. She is where I get my love for animals cause she is always willing to take another one under her wing.


2. My Dad- Perseverance is one thing that stands out about my dad. He has had plenty of blows between losing most of his hearing and having a balance nerve torn apart and multiple surgeries to his head and threats of his job due to his disability. He doesn't complain what he has had to go to. He though jokes about benefits of it like turning off his cochlear implants so he doesn't have to listen to us. He loves technology and is always embracing how it improves our lives. He has always taught me through example of standing up for yourself.


3. My older brother- Ok, he might have not had the patience for my little brother and me when we were younger but he has always loved us. He has been the brain among us and Keith and I always had a lot of obstacles to overcome. He wasn't afraid to stand up for us. He always has been one to plan ahead and work hard and study hard. He isn't afraid to embrace his nerdy side. Recently, someone told him that he was letting to much of his nerdiness show at work....so he immediately bought a red stapler. And now that he we are adults, he is patient and understanding. He is one of the extremely few that I feel comfortable talking on the phone with (weird phobia of mine) because he doesn't think of me weird when I tell him I had all I can handle of talking on the phone in a middle of a conversation. 


4. Mr. Rogers- Ok, I have a weird fascination of him.  But he is a wonderful positive influence. I would have love to have met him (though I met the mailman. I even have an autograph card from him that says speedy delivery. It use to hang in my locker in high school. lol. yes, I was a normal teenager). I have a card my mom gave me on top of my desk and periodically I press the buttons so I can hear his positive affirmations.   "You are unique. You are the only person who is you. And there has never been another person exactly like you and there never ever will be again"


5. CFH and it's members- When I was in 6th grade and moved to Pittsburgh, I went through some horrible things within the year before I moved. I became almost a shell of a person and could not deal with normal interactions especially males. I did not cope with moving which we had to do so my dad could have a job. So for years I was horribly picked on. Well in my Sophmore year, I fought with my family to be allowed to join CFH. With the help of the Crisis Counselor at my school my family finally allowed me. I loved working on the haunted trail every october and camping trips, skiing, I never got to go caving :( and everything else we did. That club helped me get through high school. The main reason was the wonderful Vandegrift twins. They were so kind and never treated me like I didn't belong which was rare for me. Plus, the members upheld that it didn't matter if you were or weren't friends, no matter what click you were in school.... you got along while you were with the CFH. People that harassed me in school were nice to me while participating in the club. We loved the club and always made sure it was a good place to be. If it wasn't for that, I don't know how I would have gotten through high school.


6. Mrs. Masley- My high school art teacher. If it wasn't for her, I don't think my parents would have gone for me to go to college for Art. She always allowed me to be in the art room whenever I had a free chance even if it was empty. I spent a lot of lunches, study halls and what not in the art room. She always had encouraging words and help. Plus never really punished me when I forged notes to get out of geography. I probably would have ended up in college for something else if it wasn't for her. I also got to go to New York city and saw the Guggenheim and so many amazing things that has stayed with me throughout my life. 


7. Dana and Michelle- Some of my first good friends in college. Gave me faith in having female friends again. I grew up more with guys and didn't really ever figure out the purpose in female friendship.  Though haven't had such awesome female companions since well except for Red and that got ruined because of my ex husband was so insistent on ruining what we had. I just finally buckled after years and let him win.  Though I miss her all the time.


8. Gregory- A nerdy pianist I dated my Senior year of high school. I have a love of nerdy and intelligent boys even if that wasn't very cool when I was younger. We dated most of my senior year. I always admired that he was just so okay with who he was. I got a love of cribbage that year and he calmed me. He always kept things calm even though his sister and best friend hated me. I loved to try to get him to swear and stuff. Though I didn't care. Though eventually I realized when things seemed more serious that I couldn't deal with a long distance relationship and I was young and couldn't deal with the fact that it was going to come up soon. So I broke it off before the summer hit so I didn't have to deal with it. Though I guess he lucked out in the end because the next 3 years were hell for me.


9. Red- The most hyper, excitable person I have ever met. Insanely bouncy. She always can find the good thing even in the most hideous of monsters which is a positive and sometimes a negative thing. I miss her greatly. Though it was hard to be unhappy around her. Only positive female friend I have had living in Florida. I have had others but they all were users especially the last one. I miss Red cause she had a big heart and always open minded.


I know there is suppose to be a tenth one but I have been writing this blog post on and off all day. Right now I just want to curl up and cry. I keep pressing my Mr Rogers buttons to make me feel better. Tonight, I feel like I am in a funk. Doesn't help that on top of everything I have a tummy ache from eating real pizza. I didn't want to cook and have leftovers that I won't be around to eat. so I had split a Stromboli with Keith. Carbs are mean. well good night y'all.

Steampunk Wares

First piece. I finished this awhile ago but I never got a decent picture of it. I have purple fabric and a lot more lace to make a dress to go along with this. I put embossing powder on the rim, sewn in the lace. added a ribbon and jewel and arranged a bunch of feathers. I did several things before I figured this worked best. I was trying to hide the fact that it was a really cheap top hat. and had a horrible texture. I even painted it.

Close up

Feather extraordinaire

Fascinator. I had my mom make something similair with me one day.

The plastic is two layers of acetate and I applied Alcohol ink. The feathers are glued in between the two layers. I took alcohol ink to one of the metal pieces. This took me about an hour between ungluing the feather bundle and adding the purples.

I haven't fully concluded what I am doing with this piece. I might just put this on a chain or bead it into a necklace.

I took a Tim Holtz acrylic piece, a partial wing of a butterfly I found, scrapbook paper, alcohol ink, metal tape and distress ink.

First I took PVA glue and glued the wing then the paper to protect it.

I then added some glaze. as it was tacky I added the metal tape to the edges but accidently messed up glaze a little. A mistake is an opportunity in disquise. So I took fired brick distress ink and added another layer of glaze and swirled. It looked better that way too!

Before I added the metal tape, I applied some alcohol ink. 

Last but not least. I did this in November or December but I do have to fix the front due to damage while it was packed. This is still a working watergun. I took texture spray paint plus some hand painting of acrylic. Added some gears. Not bad for a project made of giveaway parts. And I already had the spraypaint.